Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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