she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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