I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
