seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
