I met the friendliest cop last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
