I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
