after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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