just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
