Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
