I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
