Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
