I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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