watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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