I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
