The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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