where am i from again
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
