she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
