So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
