the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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