A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
