it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Someone signed my nipple.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
