Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
