she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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