I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
