Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
