I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
