He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize