Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
