last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
two words: eviction party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
