I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
