There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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