It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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