One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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