Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
