also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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