Pants 0. Shit 1.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
How's work?
Spinning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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