my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
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