does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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