I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
