hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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