And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
