he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
