You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
