It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
