its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
