i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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