If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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