You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
