I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
