I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
