it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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