I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
