we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
false alarm, still single
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
