I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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