the condom got lost in my hair
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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