Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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