After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
