apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
